4. Intimacy and Trust
Good self-esteem is a prerequisite for having a relationship characterized by intimacy and trust. If you basically feel good about yourself, you can allow yourself to be vulnerable to another person. You will trust them, and only when there is mutual trust can there be any real intimacy.
I feel that from the very beginning, you did not trust me. That very first time you stayed over my place, you accused me of being deceitful about my relationship with Allison. I was simply embarassed about practically being a virgin! Yet you made it seem that I had evil intentions, to deliberately deceive you. When we jointly bought those baseball card sets, you spoke (angrily I might add) of not liking to co-own stuff because "what happens when you break up!" When Sarah and Annamae were splitting up, you kept saying how that was why you could never jointly own a house with someone. Even though at that very same time Danielle and Cabrina had just celebrated their fifteenth (?) anniversary together, you ignored their example and chose to focus instead on Sarah and Annamae. The clear implication was that you could never trust me enough to move in with me. Multiple comments that you made to me throughout our relationship, indicated that you did not trust me. This really saddened me and confused me, because at that time I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with you.
I trusted you. That is why it hurts me tremendously to realize now that you never trusted me. I think you saw me as some malevolent being out to get you. I believe you ascribed bad intentions to things I did, when I had nothing but good ones. If this is the case, you had me pegged completely wrong. Even at the very end, you accused me of using tears as a "tactic" to make you feel guilty. It is a shame that after all we went through, you never even really knew me.
As I said, mutual trust is necessary for true intimacy. For me, simply having common interests and doing things together is not enough. I need to have emotional intimacy with a partner. At this point in your life, I donít think it was possible for you to be truly intimate with me or anyone else. And after two years, after gradually losing my trust in you due to the many times you hurt me, I lost my capacity forever to be emotionally intimate with you.