R. About This Letter Itself

I stated in my opening paragraphs, my reasons for writing you this letter. I also told you (after aerobics class once) that my purpose in writing this letter is not to reopen a dialogue between the two of us about our relationship. I am not interested in apologies, rebuttals, or excuses. Please do not try to "win me back," as I can see right through this. I know that if we were to reunite, within several weeks you would be back to the same old thing--snapping at me, giving me the silent treatment, and attacking me because I simply dared to show my feelings. In my mind it is really impossible for me to ever get back together with you, because it would just be too emotionally devastating if you ever hurt me again, and I cannot afford to take the risk. I cannot ever place myself again in a situation where I am so unraveled that I am throwing furniture and kicking in walls. It should be clearly obvious to both of us, that this is just no good for me. My position is clear. So what will be the outcome on your end, after having read this letter?

Once again, I know that I have absolutely no control over your response. Perhaps I will never even know what your true response is. However, I can very well envision the following thing happen.

I can hear you bitterly denouncing me to your family and friends, exactly how you did with Sandy. For example, you criticized Sandy for saying that you caused her "mental anguish." You criticized her for claiming the two of you were incompatible. You were bitter that she "forced" you to see a therapist. You said with scorn, "She wanted me to move to Virginia with her!" and "She thought people have to live together to have a relationship!!" You cursed her for having written that last letter to you. I can hear you complaining along these very exact same lines, about me! You値l just lump me in with Sandy, as someone who mistreated you and "never loved you." You値l criticize me for having said that you were abusive. You値l tell your next lover, "She wanted me to move in with her!!" You値l angrily describe how I "wiped" you out of your money, by "forcing" you to see a therapist. (You値l never consider going to another therapist yourself, since they池e all "out to get you.") You値l make all kinds of scornful comments about me to other people. You値l continue to deny that you ever treated me poorly, and you値l never take any responsibility for our troubles, perhaps instead blaming it all on Mary, a convenient scapegoat ("Our so-called couples counselor broke us up!"). You値l seek or expect sympathy from others for having been victimized yet again. For example, you値l tell everyone about how you treated me so well, helping me study and standing by me for my boards, only to get promptly "dumped" after we got back from Los Angeles. Of course, other people will not know anything about the real story--your up-and-down treatment of me for two years which nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown. Despite the fact that you hurt me repeatedly, I would bet that you are already spreading the word about what a jerk I was!! Painting a portrait of me as aggressor and you as victim might make you feel better and gain you some sympathy; however, it will be on your conscience, that this was not truly the case.

In general, perhaps you will become even more bitter, and sadly, perhaps you will hate yourself even more. Perhaps this letter will only bang home the message that, as Sandy said, you would never be able to have a relationship. Perhaps it will just cast you further down the road of bitterness and pessimism about life.

I hope that this is not what happens.

Instead, I hope that any lessons you learn from our relationship in general, might set you on a path toward a happier life and happier relationships in the future. By writing you this letter, I hope to have given you a place to start from, whether it be with a therapist or just on your own. Please note that I am not leaving you in the same manner that Sandy did. I truly believe that you do have the capacity to learn and change, and that it is very well possible for you to have a good relationship in the future! You just have to be willing to learn from your experiences, and trust in yourself that you will be able to grow from them. Look ahead, and decide in which direction you want your life to go. Don稚 keep making the same mistakes over and over.

It is your choice where you will go from here. For your sake, I hope you take the positive road.


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