Dear Chris, A.K.A. Boo-Boo,
I am writing this letter after I left my last telephone message to you, which was about 11:00 AM today. Since you have not responded to my calls, I have become worried for you. That’s why I stopped by yesterday, but you were not home.
On Friday I became overwhelmed with despair and anger. I sat in my bedroom for hours just staring. My feelings alternated between fuming at everyone and complete sadness. I felt that everyone placed the blame on me for things in their lives or the world which were not decided, completed or not going smoothly. Perhaps it is difficult for you to understand how I felt at the moment — and, these are not excuses. I am letting you know what was going on in my head and heart. You could not hear my screaming in my head. Everything in my life came to light at that moment — perhaps I am to blame for everyone’s frustrations. But on the other hand, I thought, I was a great scapegoat, and that’s how it has been all my life. Enough, I said. I could not take it any more. Thus, I sat there for hours.
My first reaction to any of this and similar situations is to push everyone away, as you know. Another part of me wants someone to hold me and let me cry in her arms, to allow me to feel what I feel, to give permission to me to feel sad. Most important, that part of me wants someone to make me feel important in her world and understand my frailty.
Unfortunately, the part that pushes away the most important thing in my life wins. While I am standing there pushing you away, I am also wishing that you can see beyond the cold, hard exterior and how much I am hurting inside and how much comfort I need.
Maybe you can only see the exterior. I don’t know. But I am telling you that I do need your comfort.
At the same time, I also understand that I have a vital role too. In this I have failed. We are both insecure and we both need comfort. I know that I have not fulfilled my responsibility to your well-being perfectly. And to this, I apologize.
I wanted to write this letter so you could understand what happened to me Friday. I also want you to know that I understand your disappointment in me.
Regardless of the difficulties, I still love you and want to be with you. However, I am afraid you no longer want me with you.
I love you, Boo-Boo
Terry